So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
