I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
