Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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