I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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