Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
