Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
