Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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