there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
