She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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