He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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