you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
