Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize