im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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