it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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