My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
