Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
