Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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