Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
