the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
