apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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