When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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