When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
