did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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