U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize