on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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