I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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