just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
