Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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