I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
