a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
