I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
