Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
