she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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