everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
