i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
