there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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