Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
