Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
