Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Randomize
