Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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