Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
