Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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