If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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