he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
