I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i think i have two assholes
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
