I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
