I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize