Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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