u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
