Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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