the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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