I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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