yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
