If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
