i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
