put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
