She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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