I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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