My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
