Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
