When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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